“I’ve felt this way before so insecure…” –Crawling by Linkin Park.
With each new day the sun begins crawling across the sky from the eastern horizon to the western horizon where it sets and once more envelopes the northern hemisphere in the inky, star and cloud scattered blackness of night. With each passing day I fret and worry about what will happen, what will continue to haunt me from my past, what will happen as the days progress into weeks and months and ultimately into the years that form my lifetime. No, I’m not trying to be philosophic or whatever, I am merely rambling because my mind a jumbled mass of thoughts that go in six and a half million directions and I’m essentially trying to get the knots out one way or another.
Lately, I have felt like I’m back at square one, crawling through the myre of my own jumbled mass of confused and conflicted emotions. What is said in these paragraphs will probably be forgotten, shoved and buried deep within me again and again and I will probably have to revisit them once more further down the line but they need to be spoken, need to be written at this exact moment in time. Why? Because if I do not do or say something, my mind is simply going to implode in on itself and there will be nothing left but a seething, emotional wreck that comprises me.
I feel like I am crawling through tar, clawing at anything resembling hope, happiness and in truth stability. I do not know, nor can I pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me, but I know I am depressed, can I afford to seek professional help, no, because I work in a sub-par, barely above minimum wage job that is in many ways the cause of my stress. However, I have, despite tireless efforts, been unable to find a replacement for said high stress positioning. Though, I will be retrying a few places now that some time has passed and hopefully it will result in me granting a two week notice to the company that I have been with for nearly five years. I need to be doing something more, something different, I need an escape from the rut that I have found myself in. Such a change will do wonders for me, will create in me a whole new dynamic and hopefully allow me to gain more solid footing on my life.
Drowning in a mountain of unobtainable goals, I am trying to make enough money to support myself and my obligations with my household (roommates ftw) and we are, I am, barely scraping by and yet there are bill collectors, creditors and loan companies demanding the pennies that I hold onto so dearly (if any remain after keeping food in my mouth and a roof over my head). I know I have burnt bridges, or rather they are still burning and not yet gone entirely, and I will begin repairing them – however, I don’t know if I can do what it is that will repair that bridge fully. Nor am I emotionally stable enough to deal with the bickering and arguments that will follow.
I am almost thirty years old, and I have contemplated bankruptcy, if only that would solve my problem, however, it will not because student loans cannot be added to a bankruptcy claim, nor can I afford a bankruptcy at this point in time. Rock. Me. Hard place. Welcome to my life.